Reibies
by CosmicIdiot
Summary: Shinji and Rei get round to having sex. but the next day Rei knocks on the door with three miniature versions of her self, and he's the father! Comedic high jinks ensure. Caution; contains distasteful humor and bad puns, a lot of bad puns. Also please review it, even if you don't like it, it's nice to have feedback.


Shinji and Rei lay in her bed together. Shinji turned to Rei

"That was my first time, did I do okay?"

"Yes you did, Okay" Rei answered flatly.

"Oh alright then thank you very much" Shinji gave a bow and put his clothes back.

"I'm so sorry He apologized quickly before leaving.

"Never again" Rei said calmly.

When Shinji got back Asuka was waiting for him "there you are Shinji, what time to you call this, and what's with that stupid grin on your face?"

"Oh it's nothing" he said trying to hide his expression "I was just spending time with Ayanami."

"Huh what were you doing with her? Hold on a minute you weren't having sex with her were you?" she demanded, Shinji's sheepish expression was all the answer she needed.

"Baka-Shinji" she said slapping him "How dare you do such a puerile and disgusting act without me."

"Sorry it felt really good though" he said.

Asuka slapped him again "If you're going to do things like this you had better be prepare for the consequences."

"its fine, nothing bad can come of this."

The next day the doorbell rang and Shinji ran to answer it. at Rei was at the door. In her arms was a miniature version of herself , it was dressed in a little school uniform as she was, at her feet were two more mini Rei's.

Shinji gasped "Rei, what is this?"

"They're yours" she replied "you need to start paying child support."

"No, these can't be mine, they all look exactly like you" Shinji protested.

"Yes, they are our Reibies," Rei said.

"Um do they even have names?" Shinji asked prodding one of them with his finger.

"Yes that one is called Rei Charles, that one is Rei William Johnson and that runty looking one over there is everybody loves Reimond" Rei said. "Hi there little guy" Shinji said bending down and patting one of them on the head "I'm sure that you're going to take just after your dad when you grow up" he cooed. The Reibie balked at the idea.

"My lawyer says you can spend time with them twice a week, have fun with them,I will be back later" Rei said walking off.

"Um, Rei what exactly am I Supposed to do with them?" Shinji asked.

"Play" Rei answered simply as she disappeared.

Shinji was left with the three just above knee height Rei's staring at him wordlessly.

Asuka appeared next to him "huh what you got there?" she laughed when she saw them

"My my Shinji, you really are grown up now you have kids to deal with, I warned you about this, I guess in future you'll have to be more accountable for your actions" she lectured.

"I guess, I never thought I'd be a father but now that I have kids I kind of like them, I guess it's true that the greatest joy I life is being a parent" he reflected.

Asuka kicked one of them in the face.

"Hey don't do that! They're my kids!" Shinji protested.

"Really, I don't think they're all that great, they look kind of stupid, I guess they got that from their father" Asuka said as the Reis scurried inside the flat to flee from her.

Shinji followed his daughters into his flat "Look this one seems to like my cello" Shinji pointed to one of them poking his instrument.

"Maybe they could all learn musical instruments and form a little Rei-band, huh Asuka?" he suggested.

Asuka was chasing one of them around the flat "Just Get these stupid things out of here okay, they're messing up all of my stuff."

"Oh okay, If you want to get them out the house, I guess we could take them to the park, they'd probably like that" Shinji suggested.

"yeah,that's a good idea we can play fetch with them or something."

Shinji and Asuka sat on a bench in the park, the Mini Reis ran around happily, Asuka wielded a large stick I case any of them dared to come close to her.

"They're cute aren't they?" Shinji asked.

"No they're stupid and creepy" Asuka said throwing her stick at Rei Charles.

"Well I like them" Shinji said "There's just one thing I don't understand, how were they made, it's only been a day since me and Rei did it?"

"Ah Son I always knew this day would come" Gendo said appearing from behind a bush.

"Dad?" Shinji said.

"Yes, you're getting older so it's only natural you want to learn about the birds and the bees" he lectured.

"I've had sex already dad" Shinji protested.

"You see son when a man and an inhuman clone of his mother love each other very much…"

...and that's how Reibies are made" Gendo finished.

"Well I guess that make sense" Shinji said.

"Well my work here is done, next to try for the amalgamation of the entire human species." Gendo said "Remember to bring them into Nerv the next time we have a take your cloned incest babies to work day." he wandered off.

"Well at least my dad's talking to me now" Shinji smiled.

Rei walked towards him

"I've had more" she said.

four more Reibies around her huddled around her.

"Aw not more of these stupid thing" Asuka complained.

"oh great I suppose I had better come up with names for them" Shinji said.

"how about Rei Winstone, Rei Mears, Oedipus and Rudolf the red nosed Rei-ndeer" Asuka suggested.

Rei shrugged "Whatever."

"Hey Shinji how Reibies does it take to paint a house?" Asuka asked.

"I don't know"

"Depends on how hard you throw them" she cackled.

"Asuka enough with the dead Reibies jokes! look you've scared them all off now" Shinji said as the Reibies took off in every direction.

"How are we going to get them back now?"

With this" Misato appeared behind him and handed him a device.

"Experimental Nerv technology, a firearm designed to incapacitate baby clones. We call in a Rei gun."

Shinji took the device from her "Okay Asuka we need to make sure they all get back safely, let's go catch some Reibies."

They found one in a river, another one in a trashcan and one more up a tree

"Okay we're doing quite well" Shinji said "Asuka can you take these three back to the apartment while me and Rei find the rest?"

"Alright come here you little bastards" Asuka said herding them towards her. As they came closer to her she whipped out a baseball bat and hit one so hard in went flying miles into the air.

"Asuka! Don't kill them!"

Shinji shouted "I told you to take them home not to hit them."

"Really I could have swore you said pick them up and play baseball with them" Asuka said to Shinji's horror.

"No I never said that"

"Anyway, if you don't like that, I'll just play golf with them instead"

she picked up a club and swung full force at one of them which quickly joined it's sibling flying through the air.

"Woo, hole in one" she shouted, the third Reibie with them was staring to look a little nervous.

"Just take that one home please, look after it !" Shinji shouted,he turned to Rei senior.

"You know I'm starting to wonder if she really is a good person to have round our kids."

Another Reibie stepped out in front of them.

"ah there's one! I'll use my Rei-gun on it" Shinji said.

He pointed the gun at it and pulled the trigger; another Reibie popped out of it.

"Huh" he wondered, as the new Reibie waddled off.

He pressed it again but this time a storm of bullets ripped out of the end of it completely destroying the two Reibies in front of him.

"What the hell is up with this gun" Shinji shouted.

Misato shrugged "I said it was experimental technology didn't I? I made it when I was drunk."

"Hey look over there" Shinji pointed.

Two Reibies were playing together in a sandpit having happy emotionless fun.

"Aw they look like their having a great time" he cooed.

Suddenly A massive Rottweiler ran by and snatched them in its jaws.

"Oh no! That dog's carrying Reibies!"

Shinji could almost hear the symbol.

He sighed and traveled back to Misato.

"Hey Misato have you seen any animals with Reibies around here? He asked.

"No but I found one of those things a little while ago, I put it in my mini beer freezer to preserve it, I don't go anywhere without it" Misato said gesturing to a travel fridge next to her.

Shinji opened the fridge door to see a Reibie completely encased in a block of ice.

"It's a freeze-Rei" the original Rei said next to him.

Shinji turned away from the Popsicle "So at this point six of them are dead" he pondered.

"Tragic accidents" Rei said.

"Well At least the one with Asuka should be safe though, I told her to look after it…"

"Look after it? I thought you said cover it in boiling tar, feed it to unit 01 then blast it into space, while screaming Shinji is an idiot I like killing your babies" she said

"My bad."

"Oh well I guess it is an easy mistake to make" Shinji agreed.

"Anyway it deserved it, it was looking at me funny" she added.

"yeah okay I guess, we had better get back to the apartment" he sighed.

Shinji and Rei sat on her bed next to each other.

"Today was very fun" Rei said.

"Fun? But we managed to kill all your Reibies today remember, aren't you upset?" Shinji said concerned.

"Yes, they may have died, but thousands of babies are dying everyday due to horrible practice that is abortion. join up now and help us overturn Roe VS Wade" Rei said flatly.

"Um Rei I think you might be watching too much Fox news again" Shinji alleged wearily.

She didn't reply, Shinji awkwardly tried to move closer to her.

"So Rei do want to have sex again?" he suggested "I'm sure there's a way to do it which doesn't involve having Reibies, maybe you could get a Reibies vaccination?"

"No we cannot have sex now I did not bring my magnifying glass" Rei said drolly.

"Please Rei, if you want you can try to go to sleep in the middle of it so you don't have to feel it" He suggested meekly.

"No" She said " Because That would be considered Rei-pe."

"Oh okay" Shinji muttered as he slunk off.


End file.
